I Dare You


I Dare You

I dare you to support me.

I dare you to help me.

I dare you to care.

I dare you to share.

I dare you to sigh

I dare you to buy

I dare you to doubt me

I cannot tell a lie

The message is simple. I dare you to. I dare everyone. I dare everyone to support my endeavor. The positive adventure of self-awareness and self-improvement after having lived many years with Autism.

I dare you to let the story be told. I dare you to share this to other people in business. The ones who can make a difference.

The difference is I am a near genius and it took me 46 years to know I have Autism. It was hidden because I was abused. It was hidden because I never told anyone who cared.

I can’t lie. I was abused because I couldn’t lie. If you are like me you know why.

I have Autism. It’s not my fault. I can only look to the future and stop dwelling on the past.

I see life in different light. The colors change. They change when I see life a new way.

Help me. Help you.

Help me help the child. Help me so I can use my experience to help the children being born with Autism or afflicted with Autism be able to cope.

Help me before I get too old.

Help me be so bold.

Help support my website Behind The Curtain and my podcast Live Life Love Bacon. The children of the future will be proud of you too.

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How can I be a manager?


How can I be if I am ____?

I can be if I am _____?

I am.

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Music 🎶 is my muse


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Should I tell?


The snow is piling up. Every day it snows.

I open my door to the outside world. It’s a peculiar world at a peculiar time.

What is going on out there?

I take a look at the yard. A bird is peeking in at me.

“Hello bird.” I say. The bird doesn’t answer back.

The birds flutters down onto a small mound of snow. Just a little pile from clearing the sidewalk. He pecks at the snow.

“What is he pecking at?”

Peck

Peck

Then as he flies away, I see it. It comes into view. Just as I’m following the birds flight. His wings a blur. Flapping so quickly I can’t even see his wings.

There, in front of the post office. A giant mountain of snow. Blocking the only access to the building.

Are we supposed to tunnel in? This was a favorite pastime of my youth.

Every year we would tunnel through snow piles. The original man cave. There was the smell of the snow and clothes.

What a reminder of days gone by.  That smell. What is it about the sense of smell?  It is a very powerful sense. It brings back so many memories.

When I smell this familiar scent. That wet snow boot smell. I’m there inside my fort.

One time I put a cooler inside and started a fire inside to try to cook. I was trying to cook some Buddig Beef. This salty, greasy, tasteless meat.

Why was I so inquisitive? 

Why did I have that sense of adventure and wonder?

Children are precious. They have such an imagination. Trying to duplicate the behaviors of the adults who roam the earth.

“Ah.” That reminds me of last night.

What if the earth IS flat? I asked last night.

“How could that be?” You may say. “We have seen the pictures. We have flown to other countries.”

Did you?

That’s what I always say. “Did you?”

You laugh but are also puzzled.

Can you prove it? That plane may be flying in circles. The media may be giving out false news of that blue pearl we call Earth.

Maybe it’s a blue marble.

Is that virus real then?

Are we so anxious now about a mystery virus, that any symptom is now a symptom?

The doctor I had seen was not concerned.

I visited the doctor after having 20 different symptoms.

This appointment was after his Christmas vacation. I had to wait 2 weeks to get in after I had Covid-19 symptoms.

I ask the doctor “How do you do it? How do you  surround yourself around all these germs?”

The doctor replies “Somebody has to answer the call.”

That’s laughable.

He goes on vacation at the worst time for the coronavirus. Then makes it seem like he is so brave.

Strange.

I’m told by the staff that, all symptoms are being listed as covid related symptoms.

The medical staff are walking around like it is nothing. They are just going about life like there isn’t this death knell virus outside our door.

Peck

Peck

The bird is back. Sitting on top of the little snow pile.

This bird distracts me today.

I smell that winter air. Then I look.

That snow pile, it looms, in front of the post office.

What are they hiding?

Is it a great government conspiracy?

Or maybe. Just maybe. That snow doesn’t belong there.

Maybe it was a new contractor.

Maybe

Maybe I should tell this village of the little snafu.

Now the question arises.

“Should I tell? ” “Should I tell on the company who created this blockade?”

The very sight of which causes my Writers block. Now I bid you adieu as I start to think of what to write about.

“Hey!”

“Look at our snow!”

It’s starting to add up

“Oh look!”

“A bird!”

Maybe I should go. I shouldn’t have to tell you.

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Insight without all the drama.


Today I was in a therapy session. In the session we were going through some paperwork. I was asked about prior frequencies of illness. When I answered the question I recalled the situation which caused my severe anxiety.

I was alone.

Everytime I have mental issues beyond my normal behavior I was alone. I say normal behavior. My normal is different than most people. As you get to know me you may understand the differences.

Monophobia:

The fear of being alone. Not loneliness but just being by oneself. Even in a normally safe place such as at home.

I never really put it into the context of a phobia. This wasn’t until I noticed my behavior these last 2 months.

I was home alone for 2 weeks. Shortly after I was home alone another 2 weeks. I wanted to escape. I wanted to leave. I wanted to just be by somebody. Anybody.

This same pattern happened years ago and the doctors, friends, and family brushed it off as just being manic or bipolar.

If I am fine when I am with another person but an anxious fearful mess without, can’t we do the math?

Some people think I want illnesses. They think that I want to have labels. This is far from the truth.

The more I identify the cause of my illnesses and phobias I have a greater understanding of why.

When we know the why we can work on the how.

How to cope and how to treat.

That’s just a little insight on the book of me. It’s an open book. Enjoy the read inside of me.

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Clarity


Clearly it’s clarity.

The irrational thoughts have escaped from me. I will miss them for this short period of time. I have work to do for now.

Not the work I want to do but the work I have to do.

Bills have to be paid. Food needs to be on the table.

Dread

I dread going to work. It isn’t that I hate working. I enjoy working.  When I work under my own terms. Those you work for may have other ideas for you.

Employers often do not see their employees for what they are.

An asset

They may hire people to fill a void. The work needed to be done is essential for their business.

Are they utilizing their assets to the fullest potential? Not likely.  It is a jungle which those who want power and money manipulate management for positions which fulfill the employees needs.

The employee who uses manipulation to satisfy their goals will be found out sooner or later. They are likely not the best candidate for the job. They cover their tracks by being under managements thumb.

Both sides eventually lose. At best, the employer gains a “yes man” at high cost for little work accomplished.

In my eyes the ideal strategy would be for management to put people in positions in which they would excel at. Instead of putting a job posting up and only considering those who are applying they could and should have a plan to adjust positions of current employees.

The employees are their assets. Much like a brokerage firm will shift assets from one fund to another.

My current employer seems to have a willingness to keep costs low by shifting employees from location to location to make them miserable. How does this benefit the employer or keep costs down? Their irrational thought is that current employees who have seniority make the maximum pay. If the employee quits they can hire another person at the minimum wage allowed.

It is ingrained in their business model so they do not see the potential before them. They look at their business as customers are going to shop at their store, no matter what.

They do not realize money or raises do not motivate an employee alone. A happy and healthy employee, who is skilled at the work they are doing, is the greatest asset a company can have.

Employers need to utilize psychology along with the personality traits of their employees to become successful.

If they did. Then I wouldn’t be typing this while avoiding the dread which is sure to come.

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In Search of My Muse


I’m searching. Searching for my muse.

Where has she been? What has she been doing?

She is the one who started it all.

The one who gave me the desire to write. To put my mind to work.

I miss my muse.

She gave me pain. She gave me pleasure.

Passion

“What is your passion?” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Those were the words. The words that inspired.  I don’t know if I’ve made it clear.

When I lost my muse, I lost the passion.

I found it inside.  It is still there. It is hiding.

Wanting?

It wants a muse to spur the awakening.

I asked to hire them as my muse. Just so I could communicate with them. It’s been so long.

I don’t need to hire a muse. A muse doesn’t need to know. They don’t need to know the works they inspire.

Those works, once completed, they may finally see. That I always had the passion. The passion is all about me.

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Who am I?


Who is the man behind the curtain?

Disassociate

Take a look from afar.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing it?

Are you trying to get answers? Are you asking the right questions? Are you asking the right person?

The person you should ask is yourself.

Look at yourself.  Look into that mirror.

Do you see your pain? Do you see your grief?

Accept it. It is who you are. It is what you are made of.

Move forward.  Move closer to the next mirror.  A mirror within a mirror.  It is not an optical illusion.

You have many different images.

Find the one that you want to be.

Who am I?

I am complicated.

I am interesting.

I am talented.

I am caring.

I am loving. 

I am full of hate.

I am full of shame.

Today I am optimistic. Knowing there is nobody to blame.

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Screaming


The screaming

The screaming inside my head. It’s echoing.

There is an elephant in the room.  How can we not see it? It’s been there for years. We look at it. We walk around it. But we don’t talk about it.

We scream about it.

We scream within our mind. Our mind screams back the same.

It’s torture.

It’s agony.

Release the screams. Yell it all out, when you are alone. No one may hear but the screams will be recognized by yourself for once.

Your fears may be a temporary blockade. Your fears may be what you are avoiding. You need to face the fear to get past the fear.

The screams are already dying down. I’ve released them. I sent them out for the universe to hear. The universe is so large and expansive, the echo may take forever to return.

This road block is temporary and I am clearing a path through.

We shall see what tomorrow brings. I suggest the same for you.

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Who do you remind me of?


“I like you. I don’t know why. There is something about you.” Those were her words.

I look down at her shoes. Her shoes remind me of those ruby slippers of Wizard of Oz fame. Although, these slippers were green and made the woman even more interesting.

Fascinating, really.

She liked me enough to sympathize for me. I was in another mind at the time. I was a little more open about myself. I had more self confidence.

It’s magic

To me, this mood has the power of attraction. The way I say my words. The way I compliment. Its all about them and less about me.

I just might put my spell on you. I may put myself into your head. The words I say are not rehearsed. They are very honest.

You may call it the voodoo mood.

It’s more of a personality. A man of mystery.

Once the mystery starts unraveling my true self is revealed. It’s who I am. I am not as interesting as I had seemed.

The same can be said of you.

Once I know about you. I realize what made me interested in you. Besides the fact that you paid attention to me. You reveal who you are. You reveal your intentions.

That is the moment you remind me of someone. 

I may be associating you with an image I have of someone else I know. Perhaps it makes me think I have known you longer than I actually have.

I just might start acting like myself. There is only so long that I can keep it hidden. I have so many personalities. They are essential. They help protect myself from harm. The criticism. You might not actually like who I am.

The true mastery is knowing when to use those personalities. When to put on an act. At work. Social gatherings.

To try to put on an act around someone you live with. Someone you love is an impossible task.

You ever pull the curtains shut when you are home alone.

Put on your favorite music and dance.  Act crazy. Just be yourself. It’s fun. It’s relaxing.

Why do we hide who we are?

Are we afraid?  Afraid of pushing someone away. Offending them for being who we really are.

You may start to to remind me of someone I know.

I don’t know them anymore.

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